Harry Potter Chatshow
by dot.dot.dot.deranged
Summary: The harry potter characters are kidnapp...er....invited to be interviewed on a chatshow by the Rickmaniacs. So far includes Snape's pants, Harry's infatuation and Minerva's 'thing' with Mrs Norris
1. Severus' Snake, ast'were

Conversation with Severus Snape, Rickmaniac and Gumlick  
  
Rickmaniac; Hello and welcome to The Rickmaniac Chat on Nickelodeon. Mr Snape. May I call you Sevvie?  
  
Snape; No.  
  
Rickmaniac; Very Well, Sevvie. What was it like being in the Harry Potter Movie?  
  
Snape; Mo-vie?  
  
Gumlick; As I'm sure it must have been. What is your opinion on Hermione setting your cloak on fire?  
  
Snape; sits up It was her? Dirty little rat-brained monkey scrotum!  
  
Rickmaniacs look at each other.  
  
Willowhawk; What do you think of the fact that you look uncannily like the 'Dogma' actor Alan Rickman?  
  
Snape; Who?  
  
Willowhawk; prompting A-lan Rick-man. You seem to be a pretty intelligent bloke, Sev, those words should be in your vocabulary. They are the two most used, most important words in the English Language.  
  
Snape; Do I look like him then?  
  
Gumlick; There is an eerie resemblance, yes.  
  
Snape; Is he fit?  
  
Gumlick; Well, Dur!  
  
Snape; Are you insulting me?  
  
Gumlick; silence  
  
Rickmaniac silence  
  
Willowhawk silence  
  
Rickmaniac; Um, No.  
  
Gumlick; Not at all.  
  
Willowhawk; Wouldn't dream of it. What is…er….your opinion in the war in Austrailia?  
  
Snape; What war in Australia?  
  
Gumlick; Never mind. Do you wear boxers or briefs?  
  
Snape; Excuse me?  
  
Rickmaniac; Bo-xers or…  
  
Snape; Yes, yes, I know. Why do you need to know that?  
  
Gumlick; Because we are dangerously perverted.  
  
Snape; I beg your pardon?  
  
Willowhawk; Look, are you going to tell us or do we have to find out for ourselves?  
  
Snape; hurriedly Boxers  
  
Rickmaniac; With little pink hearts on?  
  
Snape; What??!!  
  
Gumlick; Do they have little pink hearts on?  
  
Snape; miserably Do you really need to humiliate me any more?  
  
Willowhawk; Darling, everyone goes through this. You did have a choice of coming on the show.  
  
Snape; No I bloody well didn't! Not after you kidnapped me and shoved me in that bag and then in the truck and…..  
  
Rickmaniac; Ahem.  
  
Gumlick; So they have pretty pink hearts on then?  
  
Snape; Yes. pause No! I'm leaving! I can't stand to be humiliated any more!  
  
Gumlick; The doors are locked, Sevvie.  
  
Snape; You puny mortals! You have had this all planned out, but you have missed one tiny detail which will ruin you and your plan. And do you know what that is? looks menacing I am a wizard! I will blast the door!  
  
Willowhawk; And how does that make you feel?  
  
Snape; I'm secretly a woman*.pause. confused expression Shite, did I just say that?  
  
Gumlick; 'fraid so.  
  
Snape; clears throat AND I WILL BLAST THE DOOR! tries to get out wand, however unsuccessfully. Pats pockets, then turns to Rickmaniac, who is standing beside him.  
  
Rickmaniac; Looking for this?  
  
Snape; Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! dies  
  
Gumlick; We didn't mean for you to do that to him!  
  
Willowhawk; You IDIOT!  
  
Rickmaniac; Whoopsie. runs away as Gumlick and Rickmaniac charge after her  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*A bit of an in-joke. For those who live in England and watched Alistair McGowen's Big Impression that time. 


	2. Hairy Pothead

* Harry Potter comes onto stage looking petrified at the three chatshow hosts, each brandishing illegal, and extremely sharp weapons with bloodthirsty looks on their faces *  
  
Harry; Hello!? Gumlick; * growls* Just shut up and sit down.  
  
Harry; No need to get stressy, I'm the one who should be getting stressy after all that bagging me up and all.  
  
*Rickmaniac chooses pause to hit Harry around the head with mace*  
  
Harry; Ow! Ok, ok, just take whatever you want, just don't kill or rape me, or get Draco to, or something like.  
  
Gumlick; Now that is an idea... a wonderful Draco+ Harry slash fic!  
  
Wil; * dripping with sarcasm * Oh. No. What a _brilliant_ idea. No-one else would have thought of _that!_  
  
Gumlick; We couldn't if we wanted to! Angels are ill-equipped.  
  
*Rickmaniac and Wil stare*  
  
Wil; You've been watching way to much Dogma, honey.  
  
Rickmaniac; Huh! You can talk!  
  
Gumlick; Ahem  
  
Wil; *guilty silence*  
  
Gumlick; People we welcome you to a chatshow with the beautiful, gorgeous Rickmaniac Girls and the famed, and much despised Hairy Pothead.  
  
Harry; Hey!  
  
Gumlick; Shuttit, speccy. Now, as I was saying, prior to your firefighting episode.  
  
Wil; *whispers to Rickmaniac* She keeps wandering back into it. I think it's some sort of disease.  
  
Gumlick; I am..THE METATRON!  
  
Rickmaniac *whispers to Wil* I wonder if it's catching?  
  
Wil; *whispers to Rickmaniac* Damn hope it is. Harry; *to Gumlick's wild posturing* Are you now?  
  
*Gumlick hits Harry again*  
  
Harry; OW! Will you bloody stop that! [pause] Why is Snape dead on the floor?  
  
Wil; It was Gumlick.  
  
Gumlick; It was Wil.  
  
Gumlick and Wil; It was Rickmaniac  
  
Rickmaniac; Me? Are you accusing me of murder?  
  
Gumlick; no.  
  
Wil; Necrophilia, actually.  
  
Rickmaniac; Now, let's get back to the show. What underwear do you wear, Harry? Y-fronts or boxers?  
  
Harry; None of your business!  
  
Gumlick; No. It's because you don't wear those sort of caks, do you, my boy?  
  
Rickmaniac; No, you're a different type of boy, aren't you?  
  
*Wil has crept up behind Harry and proceeds in de-wedjieing him, and then produces a pair of frilly pink knickers which she waves triumphantly in the air*  
  
Wil; Harry doesn't wear Nike, He wears his cousin's Kickers! He had no choice, it was his fate To purchase frilly KNICKERS!  
  
*Harry wails*  
  
Gumlick; Oh yeah!  
  
Rickmaniac; Now we have to kill you.  
  
Harry; What? WHY?  
  
*Gumlick looks at Rickmaniac, and Rickmaniac looks at Wil*  
  
Wil; Because we are perfectly, insanely evil people. Aren't we, Rickmaniac?  
  
Rickmaniac; Very much so  
  
Harry; Who.who ARE you people?  
  
Gumlick; Us?  
  
Rickmaniac; You don't know who we are?  
  
Wil; Dear god.  
  
Gumlick; We are the founders of the Rickmaniac Society, idiot.  
  
Harry; Who?  
  
*Rickmaniac slaps forehead, Wil groans*  
  
Gumlick; How many times do we have to go over this?  
  
Rickmaniac; The Rickmaniac society is a group of people infatuated with Alan Rickman in all his many forms.  
  
Harry; Who?  
  
*Gumlick hits him over head with mace*  
  
Wil; Snape, you fool.  
  
Harry; Eurgh! You -like- him?  
  
Gumlick; No.  
  
Rickmaniac; We LOVE him.  
  
Wil; Hence the word 'infatuation'. Honestly, you people. If it's not in a movie, it's not worth knowing, is it? *claps hand over mouth*  
  
Rickmaniac; IT'S CATCHING!  
  
Gumlick; What is?  
  
Rickmaniac; The Dogma Quoting Disease. God, I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.[pauses] Ohhhhhh crap. Wait, if that is happening, maybe this will work..  
  
Gumlick; WHAT?  
  
Wil; Anyone who isn't dead of from another plain of existence would do well to cover their ears right about.now  
  
* Gumlick looks confused, and Wil covers her ears, so Gumlick does to. Harry starts to look scared*  
  
Harry; Just what the hell is going on here??  
  
Rickmaniac [ gives God-speaking-like roar] RAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*Harry's head and chest explodes*  
  
Wil; Good one, Rickmaniac.  
  
Gumlick; Did I think what just happened just happen?  
  
Rickmaniac; [hoarsely] Give..me...throat..sweets!  
  
Wil; WE SAVED THE WORLD!  
  
Gumlick; Hairy Pothead is GONE FOREVER!  
  
Rickmaniac; throat..sweets..  
  
Gumlick; Come on, let's go celebrate.  
  
Wil; Ok! *kicks corpse*  
  
Rickmaniac; give..me...throat.sweets..urgh! 


	3. Tranny

Gumlick; We would like to welcome our third guest, Miverva McGonagall, to this insane asylum - er, chat show.  
  
Minerva; What? Who are these people? What am I doing here? Why is Severus tied up naked on the floor?  
  
Rickmaniac; That is a question best left unanswered.  
  
Miverva; Why are bits of Harry everywhere?  
  
Wil; Use your imagination. So, Minerva, have you always had plans to have a threesome with Filch and his cat?  
  
Miverva; Well, yes, I.Wait! No! What are you talking about, you filthy brat?  
  
Gumlick; [ holds up Incriminating Photo of McGonagall in rather.unusual position]  
  
Minerva; Where did you get those?  
  
Wil; Your bedside table. We also found this [holds up kinky underwear]  
  
Minerva; Ohmygod! Who.no, what are you people?  
  
Rickmaniac; I am..the Metatron.  
  
[Gumlick and Wil both clobber her over the head in unison, and she falls backwards]  
  
Wil; We really need to get her some medication for that. Anyway, Minerva McGonagall, how do you explain your rather unorthadox taste in undergarments?  
  
Minerva; It's not mine!  
  
{Tied up Naked Snape begins squawking loudly through gag. Gumlick pulls it down to hear what he's saying}  
  
Snape; I..I...LET ME OUT OF HERE! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! THIS IS NOT ACTING! THEY KIDNAPPED ME AND STRIPPED ME NAKED!  
  
{Gumlick lets gag snap back into place and Snape proceeds in squeaking and sliding along the floor on his bottom, trying to bounce towards the audience, who are backing away. Rickmaniac skids across the floor to jump on top of him and pins him down}  
  
Wil; Ahem. So, there not yours then?  
  
Minerva; [indignantly] NO!  
  
Wil; You have another woman's underwear in your bedroom?  
  
Minerva; NO!  
  
Wil; Another man's?  
  
Gumlick ; Is there something you're not telling us?  
  
Minerva; Look, I'll get out my wand in a minute.  
  
Gumlick; You have a wand?  
  
Wil; I always thought you were a tad androgynous, Minverva, but I didn't realize you were a man.  
  
Rickmaniac; Wuh?  
  
Wil; Rickmaniac, cover the woman in jam and tie her up next to Sevvie. She's way too complex to interview. Ladies and Gentlemen, here ends the interview with the only straight transvestite transsexual in denial there is, Miverva McGonagall.  
  
Minverva; I AM NOT!  
  
Wil; But you have Filch's underwear in your room, yet it isn't his, it's yours and you're a man and you hump Mrs Norris regularly. Take the woman away and jam her!  
  
[And so the interview ends. Harry is dead, Snape is naked and tied up with Amanda sitting on top of him, and McGongall is shamed and jammed. On to the next victim.er..candidate..] 


End file.
